This post isn't about a recent wedding, a business topic, or a recap of a trip. There are no pretty pictures and no flowers anywhere on this page...but TODAY April 20th, 2016 is here and it's a day that I have been counting down to for quite sometime. However, I'm not sure if I've been counting down in excitement or out of sheer terror. See today is our very first infertility appointment. A big day in this house. I know we are doing the right thing, but I can't help but feel nauseous and anxious and emotional.... This year was supposed to look a lot different. It was supposed to be all about starting our family and I never thought it would be through the help of endocrinologists and reproductive endocrinologists. But I guess one never thinks that will be how it goes. The past year has been setting the scene for how my baby journey will go and when I say scene I mean more of the mountain ahead of us that just gets getting steeper. It hasn't been pretty and it's involved more needles than I care to think about and more tears than I'd like to admit and it has all lead to taking the leap today.
If you read my Why blog you'll know that I never thought I would get married. The same was for starting a family. After a tumultuous childhood, having children of my own didn't seem like the best idea. I didn't grow up around normalcy. Therefore in my head, I didn't want to put my own children through that and repeat the cycle of my childhood. I learned I was different though. I am not my past and slowly over the last 5 years I've known that I want to be a mother more than anything. I thought what everyone thinks...that I would be the girl who would get off of birth control try for a few months and bam! baby time...2016 was my year and I really hope it still is. Being told you might never be able to get pregnant or hearing the words "it will take years" from doctors is a hard pill to swallow and takes your mind to scary places. It's a lonely thing to think about. Especially when everyone around you is announcing pregnancies, it really makes you think that there is something wrong with you.
And that's really really tough.
Though it seems like the beginning of our baby journey, to me it's a new chapter. The story began about a year ago...
Last year around this time something was off, I gained weight like crazy, was so exhausted that I had to nap every afternoon, and had the strangest muscle aches, and the cherry on top was I hadn't ovulated for 4 months. I chalked it up to getting older (hello 30!) and starting a business. Adulting is hard, am I right? Turns out my naps and absence of aunt flow weren't just a normal side effect of a busy life...
I was referred to an Endocrinologist and was officially diagnosed with PCOS and Hypothyroidism. Ok I thought, let's get this fixed and figured out. Through meds and visiting with my endocrinologist every 3 months we were super hopeful that by March of this year we'd have the all clear to start trying. However, not ovulating or having a monthly cycle at all will throw a wrench in your plans and your heart when it hasn't happened month after month.
Fast forward to January of this year and month 13 of no ovulation. My doctor ran a few extra tests of my pituitary gland (which is in your brain) Women with PCOS have a tendency to have pituitary issues so it made sense to do a few extra investigations. Once the tests came back it showed my prolactin level was very high. Prolactin is a pregnancy hormone and in a non-pregnant women who wants to get pregnant it cannot be high. It basically kills your chances at getting pregnant. It's the reason 90% of breastfeeding women can't get pregnant right after having a baby. And the most common reason for a high prolactin is a non-cancerous pituitary tumor. An MRI was scheduled shortly after and I almost wanted my doctor to test my prolactin again because I thought for sure it was just a fluke. I couldn't possibly have a growth in my brain, right? Like doesn't she want to double check that it really is that high?!
Sure enough, the MRI confirmed there was indeed a tumor on my pituitary gland...A little shocking to hear and the words "I have a brain tumor" played in my head for days. But as I tell my friends and family, even if there was nothing there, my prolactin level would still need to come down. So either way, it was an issue. I guess the thing that breaks me down the most is that it seems like once one issue is under control another one pops up. Insert big sigh here.
I started "brain tumor shrinking" medication (very technical) about a month ago and therefore March was out of the question. A reality that broke my heart a little...So here we are on hold and waiting for what our specialist will say today. Will he give us the green light to start treatments or will the waiting continue?...A girl that hasn't ovulated, with PCOS, hypothyroidism, and a pituitary tumor causing high prolactin levels isn't exactly a great recipe for getting pregnant. I think I may throw up in the office today, I'm so nervous. Chris has promised me milkshakes right after we leave the center, so there's that I guess. The silver lining on what feels like a life altering appointment...
So welcome to the first installment of our baby journey series. A series that I quite honestly hope won't be a long one. You may be wondering why I'm starting a series on such a personal issue in my life. And that's a great question! private details will not be shared because yes, this is a super personal topic. But, I want to blog this journey because I feel like this isn't discussed a lot and I don't like that. I don't like that it's a lonely place to be and I'd like to change that if only in some small way. I want to blog this to let women know that getting help with fertility is ok. It's scary and daunting and evasive, but it's ok. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you and being informed about what is going on with your body is always a good thing. If something feels off, get it checked out! And if you see your doctor before you start trying, get them to test your thyroid hormone levels. They are imperative to early pregnancy and it drives me crazy that more doctors don't test "when nothing seems wrong."
I also want to document this journey to be informative, to be honest and real with you. I want to encourage those who are also having to put their baby journey on hold or having a hard time getting pregnant. I understand that there are countless women who are going through way worse than me and have had a journey that has lasted years. This is just my little story and part of sharing it is kind of like therapy to me. Something I can look back on with each new chapter.
I'm not sure how often I will blog about this, but I will keep a journal of sorts. I feel like so much of our lives is thinking about the future. So much so that we forget a lot to look at where we are right now...and right now is a beautiful place to be. There may not be a baby in that upstairs nursery for quite sometime, but I'm going to love this season of life. (maybe not the needles, testings, and medications) but I don't want to look back on this time and just see tears and sadness. I want to look back and see that Chris and I took advantage of this "extra" time with just the two of us. We've started a Baby Journey Bucket List to remind us to live in the moment. It's nothing fancy and nothing extreme. It includes things like little weekend getaways (on non-wedding weekends of course) cooking together, and house projects. And something I thought about the other day when I ordered Emily Ley's Baby Book including the infertility pack. (Isn't she the best) is that our baby's story has already begun. And one way or another through a normal pregnancy or otherwise, I'll get to share his or her story of where they began. The tears (so many tears y'all), the hoping, the test results, the little wins, and the speed bumps are a part of their story and documenting it is something that makes my heart happy.
So we're here, ready and waiting for you little baby and we can't wait to tell you someday all about your story and journey to us...however long that may take.
Warmly,
Michelle