Well I'm finally sitting down to write our 20 week baby update (actually 21 weeks) I'm halfway there! How is it that time is simultaneously flying and crawling by? Last night we ordered our crib and changing table. It's getting real y'all. Our little one is due July 7th and I naturally want it to be here right now. It's hard not to think of the first pregnancy though. I've learned that miscarriage is a scar that will always be with me. Yes, this pregnancy helps a lot, but i still feel sadness from time to time. We recently had our annual Super Bowl party and I was straightening up before people arrived and opened a box that has the first baby's ultrasounds, some cards from friends, little shoes, and I had forgotten that I had bought him or her a little football hat for them to wear at the party. That baby's due date was January 20th just in time for that fun day. Such a little thing, but I lost it. Why did I have to open that box on Super Bowl Sunday of all days? How could I have forgotten about that little hat?I pulled myself together though and told myself that it's ok to have those moments. I know there will be more.
My miscarriage has made this pregnancy different than I think it would be. I'm thankful for the sense of calm I've had from the very beginning (for the most part), but I would be lying if I said the first trimester was easy. The fear of the unknown. The borderline panic attack at our first ultrasound that I almost walked out of because I couldn't handle the words "there is no heart beat" again. I know the day our baby is born might beat the day I heard his or her little heart beat for the first time, but right now it's the best day of my life. At 9 weeks I called our doctor because I was sure something was wrong, they had me come in right away and I just sat on the table crying waiting for the doctor to come in. It didn't help that the nurse kept asking me about my previous miscarriage. Really lady?! Sigh. A few minutes later though, yet another wave a relief came over me when we saw that little heart beat for the second time. Our doctor spent a lot of time with us that day and had the ultrasound up for about 20 minutes. We saw the little arms and legs moving for the first time. Amazing. And I may have been overreacting to have made that emergency call to our OBGYN begging them to let me come in, but miscarriage changes you. Each appointment that we go to, I hold my breath for a second waiting for the worst, but here we are half way through and everything is perfect. So it's getting easier. I guess when you know how it feels to be told your baby won't be born the fear of it happening again is just unbearable to think about. And to my friends who have been there multiple times, you are warriors and I am always thinking of you. It's been a one day at a time mindset, a go to bed pregnant wake up pregnant mindset. I'm starting to think about the months ahead though and I was brave enough last night to hit "purchase" on our nursery furniture.
Our first pregnancy will always be with me and I think it's important to talk about it and be open about that season of our lives. I know I will be writing more blog posts in the future on miscarriage and being apart of the sisterhood that no wants to be in. At the same time though, I don't want this little girl or boy to be overshadowed by what happened in the past. This will be my last blog post that includes both my miscarriage and our new baby. Our baby deserves celebrating and going forward I will keep them separate. Everyday I say thank you to God for giving us this little one and even though I am changed by 2016, it's time to move on in a way and allow myself to be happy and look to the future with excitement.
So with that being said, I've received many questions about this pregnancy, so I thought I'd answer a few today!
Do you know the baby's gender?
The short answer is YES! However we're doing things a little different. Chris wants to be fully surprised when the baby is born. Yes, it's very difficult and I'm hoping we are successful because it is very important to him. I wish I could tell everyone, but you'll have to wait and see.
So is everything going to be gender neutral?
The obvious question I get once I tell someone that Chris is waiting to find out.
Yes, This means baby showers will be gender neutral, but I have a secret spot for gender specific items I'm collecting (because who could resist) And Chris knows the "super secret spot" and he knows not to go in there. And trust me, he won't peak. I've tried. As far as the nursery goes, the baby will start out in our room and the nook of our bedroom that is now my office will become a temporary nursery. My office is moving downstairs to our front living room. This temporary nursery will be gender neutral (think grays and whites) which will give me something to decorate in the next few months. The main nursery is not getting touched until after the baby is born. I know it might seem crazy and I may be in over my head with a nursery to decorate when I have a newborn, but we'll see how it goes. The real nursery just cannot be gender neutral, I have too many plans for that little room. And truth be told, I'm okay with holding out on that part.
How are you feeling?
Overall, I feel great! Most days I am enjoying this growing a human thing. The nausea has been with me from about week 6. I'm 21 weeks, so you do the math. Everyday since then I have been nauseous. My appetite has completely gone so the menu of things I eat is very small. And I'm super sensitive to smells. Like really sensitive. I swear, I am enjoying this season though! They say the 2nd trimester you feel amazing...well I'm thinking I may just feel this way until 40 weeks...but on the plus side I've barely gotten a pimple and my hair is doing some miraculous things. Hah. The tiredness comes and goes, but I'm learning to deal with it. (more naps!) And I'm just so thankful for this baby that I remind myself to bite my tongue whenever I feel like complaining. And yep, I'm showing. My baby bump popped out of nowhere week 18. I just woke up one morning and there it was. I've always heard that that's how it happens and yes friends, it's true! Each day that it's been above 60 degrees here I've broken out the maternity maxi dresses. Heaven! I know I will be hating how hot it is in a few months, but I cannot wait to wear maxis all day everyday.
What about your weddings this year?
I have a blog post in the works about this very topic, but for now I have been spending the last few months preparing OSDIM for a little down time. I am not taking a maternity leave per se, but I know that the first couple of months I will be less present therefore I want to set up this business to handle things without me for a little while. This means pre-blogging, vacation responders, and giving myself a lot of grace. I thankfully have no events July and August (how did that happen?!) So that makes things easier. My brides are a priority for me and will continue to be so. My Spring weddings have more hands on deck and my Fall weddings have a little bit of proactive-ness built in. Venue walk throughs and design meetings that would happen in the Summer will be done in May and June and come September my little family and I should have a good routine in place when I am designing and at wedding setups. Come Fall, Chris gets to get out of wedding duty since he will be home with our little Mr. or Ms. I know I will have to get really good at juggling a million things, but this business isn't going anywhere and my brides will feel loved on just as much as ever. I have a wonderful support team around me and I've been growing this business to accommodate a growing family since I started it in 2013. I am a firm believer that you can have it all and that's exactly what I plan on doing.
Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and congratulations. I just cannot wait for July to be here and this little one is so deeply loved already.
Always,
Michelle
Photos by K Sant Photography